Lean On Me, and I'll Be Your Friend (I'll help you carry on)

Top note: Singing last night was SO fun. Everyone needs to get off their lazy butts and come hang out! Just one night, and I'll be happy. Thanks :)

Okay...back to the boring stuff...

Day Five: Raw Food is Not Comfort Food (But...I like to eat my emotions!)

“I eat merely to put food out of my mind.” ~N.F. Simpson

Day Five talks a lot about understanding our emotions and tuning into how we're feeling...instead of trying to numb the pain/discomfort in our lives with food, alcohol, television or too much sleep. I'm all about numbing the pain. That's why my background is full of addictions. Alcohol, drugs (not SO much), unhealthy eating habits, overworking, and countless hours of sleeping all to try and disconnect from owning up to my problems. I sorta would overcome one thing and then switch to another lol. It's so funny how people do that. Oh yeah, I don't smoke anymore...but now I eat like a crazed maniac. Living with this addictive personality has taught me a lot though, and now that I know and understand myself it's much easier to cope with life. I can look back and remember so many wasted days. Days when I would drink all night, wake up (most of the time still drunk), go to work, then do it all over again. I was pretty much a walking zombie, my mind constantly fixated on the party and getting hammered. It got to a point where I was blacking out pretty much every time I drank. Being carried to the car by a friend was an all too familiar trend...and don't get me started on all the embarrassing drunken phone calls and text messages that I would send out to any and everyone. I would like to take the time to apologize for those right now lol. Anywhoo...I finally realized how much of a problem my drinking had become so I decided to cut back. Good right? Wrong...silly/smart me just found something else to replace the numbing sensation that alcohol gave me. Drugs...ya! cool! Now, don't go getting all freaked out...I wasn't a hard core drug addict who shot up every night. I experimented, and luckily learned my lesson quick. Drugs, although arguably the best feeling in the world, were not for me. When I was on them I felt fine, but the next day was like hell. My problems multiplied by a thousand. I'm super comfortable talking about this, because me doing those things are a part of who I was/am. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done. I am grown up enough to be able to take my mistakes and learn from them. Not that I'm promoting a life of drug abuse, but all those things have, in some way or another, assisted in molding me into a stronger person. So0o0 this is going to be a long post, sorry...but thanks if you're hanging in there. After I realized how much damage I was doing to my body I quit drinking and abusing, and started getting obsessed with health and fitness...almost to an unhealthy point. Actually, it was unhealthy. I was so wrapped up in making sure I didn't do anything harmful to my body that I forgot to live, and ended up making myself sicker than I was before. I was scared of all the previous damage I had done to my body and saw myself as a diseased person. And diseased person I was. I was so depressed and sad that I had no energy to do anything other than work and sleep. I pretty much lost all my friends in the process and fell into a dark hole. I didn't want anyone to see me like that, so I shut myself off from everyone (family included). Instead of reaching out, I sucked myself in...and almost disappeared. In my desperation I found that sweet, sugary things made me feel better. New addiction? Ice Cream! Donuts! Junk, Junk, Junk! Yeah, I hear ya....but you're so skinny! How are you not fat if you were eating like that? Um, I would work out like CRAZY. Sound like an eating disorder? Yep. It is. They come in all different forms. But, then raw food came along and I was hooked right away. Started off super good, then three months into it something happened (I think I ate like a brownie at work or something) and I was right back on the unhealthy eating pattern. I actually started going on food binges. In my mind I was like...okay...this is the last day I'm going to eat cooked food, tomorrow I'll be raw again....so what do I want to eat? Answer? Everything! I honestly can't believe I'm writing this for people to see, but I would go from fast food place, to fast food place getting different menu items. There were times that I stuffed myself so full that I could hardly move. And I was doing all of this while promoting a healthy lifestyle to others. Can we say hypocrite? Now, luckily I have like the fastest metabolism on earth (quite possibly true. I took a test at 24 Hour and it showed that I burn almost 2000 cal. a day just sitting on my ass) so I didn't gain weight or look like a compulsive eater, but that's what I had become. I had no joy in life, so I turned to the stimulating joy of sweet foods. I would eat a shit ton of food then pass out...sound familiar? My days of drinking and partying were over, but my lifestyle patterns still matched up to my wild days of the past. Well, now that I'm older and wiser (haha!) I realize what a gift life is, and that wasting it is the worst sin imaginable. I care so much about other people, and literally want to dedicate my life to helping other...but without the care of myself I know I won't be able to do that. I wasn't doing anyone any good by shutting myself off from the world. I know that I made myself sick, and now I'm dealing with the consequences of my former actions. But, luckily the body can heal itself. I don't want to make all my posts about God, but I know that God has always been there, whispering in my ear all the things I am meant to do in life. There are so many passions that I want to pursue. Along with so many good things I want to see happen in this world, and thankfully I've finally woken up and realized how important my own individual life is to the whole of the planet. I'm no better or worse than anyone else. We are all the same and all hold the same potential to do great things. I am so thankful for everything I have. La de da, there I go going deep again.

Alright, think I've spilled enough about myself lol. Time to venture out and enjoy the day.